All posts tagged: nigeria

The Silent Driver

Mr Femi was a simple man, with a simple job. Every morning at 6am, he washed first the cars, then himself. After that, he had breakfast- fried yam and egg, washed down with hot milo- if Cook Oye was in a good mood. At 8am, he put on his tie and sat in the car. Between 8.15 and 8.20, Madam and the children emerged from the big house and after a careful drive through Ikoyi’s leafy streets, he pulled into the parking lot of St Joseph’s Primary School by no later than 8.45. At 9.30am, Madam returned to the car and Mr Femi drove Madam to the gym. After that, his time was his own until 3pm. Usually he would return home for lunch – garri and soup- but once a week, usually on Thursdays, he would drive to the local NNPC filling station and fill up the tank. At 3pm, he would pick Madam up from her friend’s house and they would be back outside the school gates at 3.30pm. Madam would gather the …

The Friday Fun: 12 December 2015

Memories are terribly fragile things, so vulnerable to nuance and circumstance, perspective and context. Perhaps that first kiss, the one that you hold up against the light as the Gold Standard of kisses was, to your kissing partner, no more than meh. Perhaps that awful first day at school, that still has you waking up in cold sweats, the one where you forgot your own name and spilled ketchup all over your crisp white shirt, exists in no-one’s mind but your own. Perhaps all we do, and will ever do, will only  be one side of a story that no one will remember to tell. Perhaps. But so what. Go out there and try anyway. Kiss that boy, or girl, anyway. Introduce yourself to that stranger, anyway. Dance to that song, anyway. Because even if it’s all a glorious waste of time, even if it’s all ashes in the wind, even if certainty is nothing more than a fancy word, I’d rather having fun trying that give up in despair. It’s the weekend, rose petals, …

Don’t Expose Your Laps!

Nigerians who wish to join the Nigerian workforce are forced to give over a year of their lives to the service of their country by way of a state-mandated slavery  integration program known as the National Youth Service Corps (NYSC). I did mine last year at a government agency. I  did very little real work, which would have been less soul destroying if I hadn’t been required to be present all the time. But I was, and I spent hour after hour staring at the walls and slowly losing my mind. My supervisor felt strongly that  his primary purpose was  to critique my wardrobe choices and try to get me to attend the daily office prayer meeting. When I appealed to him to give me something (anything God please literally anything) to do, I was told that simply by sitting in an office environment, I was learning things. He was right, I learned LOTS of things. And I made a list. Contrary to everything you have been taught, the flat area created by the front …

How to plan a wedding in Nigeria: Your 10 Step Guide

HOW TO PLAN A WEDDING IN NIGERIA IN 10 SIMPLE STEPS! 1. Aso-ebi ….i.e. the material that all your friends, family, haters, hangers on, domestic staff and bitter exes will wear to your wedding is absolutely crucial. It has be lux but not gaudy, stylish but flattering on every body type, and interesting without offending the older generation. The point of aso-ebi is to get a good buzz going about your wedding, so you have to make sure you really nail it. Stay away from boring standards like velvet, ankara or sequins. Instead, branch into something that everyone is familiar with but no one has ever thought to use (or ever will again) by spray painting reams of old newspaper. Once done, fold your couture creations together and place in cute raffia bags. Sell to all your friends as aso-ebi and you will be sure to read all about it on BBM status updates and Instagram hashtags for days to come. 2. Catering Everyone knows that a wedding without good food is no wedding at …