All posts tagged: humour

The Friday Fun: 1 July 2016

Halfway through the year and all things are made new. Did you break a promise, abandon a hope? Don’t worry, there’s still 6 months, half a year, 26 weeks, and just over 180 days left in which to redeem yourself. Birds chirp gladly in trees, because summer is here, and you and I walk a little lighter because we’ve made it this far into 2016 and there’s just enough of the year left to reach for the skies. Most importantly though, clock watchers, is the fact that today is Friday. So, here are a few things to help you get into it. 1.Another excellent song from Laura Mvula’s too-good-for-us album, The Dreaming Room. This one is called Kiss My Feet, and it’s the kind of song I think ought to play during a Tim Burton directed movie adaptation of the nutcracker, or perhaps at a faerie-goth wedding, or even just in your headphones as you lie quietly dreaming at night. Here’s a video of her singing it live on Jools Holland, and it’s great, but …

Things Runners Say and All the Things Non-Runners Really Want To Say In Return

Runner: The first 20 minutes is the hardest. Non-Runner: Oh? And after that it’s just ice-cream on a hot day, is it? Just jingle bells and wrapping paper, right? Just napping on a beach and hamburgers, right? Right. Runner: Running is my me-time. I can get away from everything and just think. Non-Runner: Why can’t you do that alone in your room? Also, do you do every other activity with other people? Do you take a poo with other people? Why can’t pooing be your me-time? Runner: Nothing beats that runner’s high. Non-Runner: I don’t know, I imagine heroin gives it a run for its money. Haha. Did you see what I did there? It was a pun. A running pun. A runpun. Wow, did your endorphins also steal away your sense of humor. Runner: My hamstrings feel a little tight because I went for a PB on my 10k route this morning. Non-Runner: I know what all those words mean individually, and I can guess at what they mean put together, but honestly I …

The Anti-Hot Men Ladies Auxiliary

I’m an innocent, God-fearing woman. I pray regularly, and give a fair amount of money to charity. I don’t bitch about people who don’t deserve it, I am very nice to all non-demonic animals (so, excluding cats, snakes, rodents and cows) and I always help old people carry their stuff. What I’m trying to say is I do not deserve to be put through the unnecessary and inappropriate visual stimulation offered by the sweaty hot men at my gym. Who do they think they are anyway? Strutting around with their biceps and quadriceps and..and..forceps or whatever, grunting and glistening. Right in my face like I’m supposed to just ignore it. Like I’m supposed to just sit there and take it. Obviously, it’s an invitation. You don’t come to a gym looking like that and exercising like that and not expect something- I know the rules of this game. I’m just supposed to concentrate on getting my ab workout done, am I,  when you’re doing your 99th pull up behind me and I can see every …

Don’t Expose Your Laps!

Nigerians who wish to join the Nigerian workforce are forced to give over a year of their lives to the service of their country by way of a state-mandated slavery  integration program known as the National Youth Service Corps (NYSC). I did mine last year at a government agency. I  did very little real work, which would have been less soul destroying if I hadn’t been required to be present all the time. But I was, and I spent hour after hour staring at the walls and slowly losing my mind. My supervisor felt strongly that  his primary purpose was  to critique my wardrobe choices and try to get me to attend the daily office prayer meeting. When I appealed to him to give me something (anything God please literally anything) to do, I was told that simply by sitting in an office environment, I was learning things. He was right, I learned LOTS of things. And I made a list. Contrary to everything you have been taught, the flat area created by the front …

How to plan a wedding in Nigeria: Your 10 Step Guide

HOW TO PLAN A WEDDING IN NIGERIA IN 10 SIMPLE STEPS! 1. Aso-ebi ….i.e. the material that all your friends, family, haters, hangers on, domestic staff and bitter exes will wear to your wedding is absolutely crucial. It has be lux but not gaudy, stylish but flattering on every body type, and interesting without offending the older generation. The point of aso-ebi is to get a good buzz going about your wedding, so you have to make sure you really nail it. Stay away from boring standards like velvet, ankara or sequins. Instead, branch into something that everyone is familiar with but no one has ever thought to use (or ever will again) by spray painting reams of old newspaper. Once done, fold your couture creations together and place in cute raffia bags. Sell to all your friends as aso-ebi and you will be sure to read all about it on BBM status updates and Instagram hashtags for days to come. 2. Catering Everyone knows that a wedding without good food is no wedding at …