All posts filed under: Off With Their Heads!

Rants, short and long.

The Anti-Hot Men Ladies Auxiliary

I’m an innocent, God-fearing woman. I pray regularly, and give a fair amount of money to charity. I don’t bitch about people who don’t deserve it, I am very nice to all non-demonic animals (so, excluding cats, snakes, rodents and cows) and I always help old people carry their stuff. What I’m trying to say is I do not deserve to be put through the unnecessary and inappropriate visual stimulation offered by the sweaty hot men at my gym. Who do they think they are anyway? Strutting around with their biceps and quadriceps and..and..forceps or whatever, grunting and glistening. Right in my face like I’m supposed to just ignore it. Like I’m supposed to just sit there and take it. Obviously, it’s an invitation. You don’t come to a gym looking like that and exercising like that and not expect something- I know the rules of this game. I’m just supposed to concentrate on getting my ab workout done, am I,  when you’re doing your 99th pull up behind me and I can see every …

How to plan a wedding in Nigeria: Your 10 Step Guide

HOW TO PLAN A WEDDING IN NIGERIA IN 10 SIMPLE STEPS! 1. Aso-ebi ….i.e. the material that all your friends, family, haters, hangers on, domestic staff and bitter exes will wear to your wedding is absolutely crucial. It has be lux but not gaudy, stylish but flattering on every body type, and interesting without offending the older generation. The point of aso-ebi is to get a good buzz going about your wedding, so you have to make sure you really nail it. Stay away from boring standards like velvet, ankara or sequins. Instead, branch into something that everyone is familiar with but no one has ever thought to use (or ever will again) by spray painting reams of old newspaper. Once done, fold your couture creations together and place in cute raffia bags. Sell to all your friends as aso-ebi and you will be sure to read all about it on BBM status updates and Instagram hashtags for days to come. 2. Catering Everyone knows that a wedding without good food is no wedding at …