“Now, you did good today, I’m just saying that there’s a way to be a person.” – Leo McGarry, The West Wing S1E22
1. No one ever wants to hear about your dreams.
2. Only gossip about people you genuinely do not like for real reasons. So, don’t gossip about nice people you are simply jealous of because you will eventually feel like shit. But actual dicks are fair game. Have at them.
3. Tip, always.
4. Use your inside voice, no matter how cross you are. Find within yourself a terrifyingly stern voice of medium volume and employ it at will. Consider also incorporating the whispered horror of Hannibal Lecter. This will always be scarier and more effective than shouting.
5. Drive like someone you loved very much died in a car accident. It may seem morbid, but it’s a lot of people’s actual truth, and every time you suddenly change lanes without indicating, or speed like an idiot, they are looking at you and wishing you had died instead. You don’t need that kind of bad juju in your life, man.
6. Don’t make fun of other people’s names. Every single joke about their name you want to make has already been made by the 2000000 people they met before you. Be their breath of fresh air.
7. If you can smell yourself, other people can smell you. If you can’t smell yourself, but think there is a chance that other people can smell you, then they can smell you. You know what, just assume your default mode is smelly and embark upon a long and unending #waronsmelliness.
8. Don’t get falling down drunk in public. I know, I know, it seems great and fun to be the giggly girl flashing her knickers at everyone, or the hiiilllaaarrriooous guy finding a way to put ‘my DICK!’ into every sentence but mostly you’re just kind of annoying. Keep your drunkenness to a classy 7/10 (i.e. I’m buzzed and life is great and I am not actively embarrassing myself or anyone I came here with right now ) As for in-private drunkenness, let it go friend. Let it all go.
9. Learn to cook stuff. You don’t have to make everything amazingly well, or even more than 1-2 basics, but the ability to feed yourself is pretty key part of being an adult. Saying “My mum has always cooked for me.” or “I can always order in” or “But cooking is for girls.” is the sort of thing that would get an angel to say “Who, that guy? No way. Send them downstairs.” when you get to the pearly gates.
10. Regarding other people’s life choices that have zero to do with you- just leave it, yeah?
11. Don’t talk about Twitter to anyone who isn’t on Twitter. If they got it, they’d be on it.
12. Don’t, after a talk or a seminar or a lecture, stand up to ask a question that (a) you already know the answer to, (b) is less of a question and more of an excuse to show everyone how clever you are, or (c) starts out with “perhaps you forgot mention this but….”.
13. Call your parents more often.
14. If you’re lucky/confident/beautiful enough to face the world each day without make-up, then shut the hell up about it. Stop telling girls who do wear make-up to stop, because it’s (a) seriously none of your business and (b) seriously none of your business.
15. Never be that person who always forgets their wallet/runs out of cash/omg I forgot to hit an ATM/I hadn’t even realised the bill was here. Your little subterfuge will not work.
16a. Do the following things gracefully and without complaint: queue, baby-sit, look at your co-worker’s holiday photos.
16b. Never show people your holiday photos unless they ask. Even if you offer and they say no, no, of course I want to see them, assume they’re just being polite but they don’t really want to see them because guess what? They are just being polite and don’t really want to see them.
17. You’re a runner? That’s amazing. Seriously, it’s so great. Now, shut the fuck up about it.
18. There is only one acceptable answer to a compliment on something you own: Thank you. Everything else comes off as bragging or humble-bragging.