Firstly and foremostly, let us bow our heads and give thanks for Adele; for truly she is a gift, a true gift, unearned and ever giving, and lo we are blessed to receive her even in this hour of our darkest need.
Yea, though we forge onwards through roads littered with the rotting Azeleas of Igg and are drowned in copious Cyruses au Miley, we fear no gratuitous nudity, for Adele is with us. We are kept safe in the bosom of 19, 21 and 25, from whence our help comes and our succour flows- Hello, she comes from the other side to cleanse us and forever more refresh us, also. Amen.
Secondly and aftmostly, I say unto thee that if thou, unworthy and tuneless, wish to become more like Adele, the She of Shes and Her of Hers (and of course you must wish this for who does not?) read these words of wisdom and be blessed.
1. Contour the hell out of your face. Adele’s natural cheekbones are probably pretty good, I guess, but none of that matters because when fully made up, her cheekbones could slice a healthy sized loaf of bread with little effort. Go on youtube and learn how to make yours equally deadly. I mean, look at this:
2. Is your hair big and bouffant? Yes? That’s a great starting point. But to really channel Adele-ness you need to bend over your sink and really go to town with a hairdryer, then backcomb until your arms hurt then do it all over again two or three times until an entire family of Borrowers could make a tidy home in your barnet, like so:
and as follows:
3. Next, the breaking of hearts. Find one, tender and unbruised, and break it. It matters not if the heart is your own, or someone else’s, or no-ones. All that is needed is that it be aching, gasping and ruined for anything but tears and recriminations.
4. Sing about number 3 above. Try as much as possible to use extremely simple lyrics – “never mind, I’ll find, someone like you/hello, it’s me”- that sort of thing. Nothing too overblown. Use classic piano or guitar based melodies, eschewing all things “modern” or “electronic”. If you feel the urge to add some heavy base, or to feature a rapper on your chorus, lock yourself in a cupboard until the urge passes.
5. Swear profusely when speaking, never ever when singing. Below, an extract from an Adele interview to show you the way of it:
“So ‘Hello’ is about wanting to be at home and wanting to reach out to everyone I’ve ever hurt – including myself – and apologize for it,” she told the site. When asked if it was about her ex that the single “Someone Like You” was written for, she quickly replied, “That’s over and done with, thank f—k. That’s been over and done with for f—king years. No, it’s not about anyone specifically. It’s about friends, ex-boyfriends, it’s about myself, it’s about my family. It’s also about my fans as well. I feel like everyone thinks I’m so far away and I’m not. Everyone thinks I live in f—king America, I don’t.”
6. Exist at all times in sepia or black and white. Observe:
May she reign forever.