It’s the year 2145 and all Nigerians are feminists so the national anthem now begins “Arise o Compatriots, Nigeria’s women, and women only, obey”. Our President is a woman, so is pretty much her entire cabinet and everyone in the army. The only male political appointee is the Minister for Internal Affairs (Domestic) and all he does is fry akara and cry.
It’s 2145 and all Nigerians are feminists so all the Federal Government Colleges have been demolished and rebuilt in the shape of vulvas.
It’s 2145 and all Nigerians are feminists so not only do men have to carry handbags and hold doors open for women, they also have to build an actual door whenever and whenever a woman wants one built, even if the door is unnecessary or impractical. Doors are everywhere and all men walk around with a fully stocked toolbox at all times. Lumber is sold by street hawkers in traffic.
It’s 2145 and all Nigerians are feminists so Nigerian men wash their wives’ knickers by hand. It doesn’t matter that, being the future, each Nigerian household boasts a cyborg helper who can and indeed is programmed to do this, it’s understood that to be a feminist is to believe that men must wash women’s underwear. So that’s just how it is.
It’s 2145 and all Nigerians are feminists so National Youth Service means that men have to get pregnant now. Whenever a man is old enough to complete 19 pullups in one go and/or has finished university, he is deemed ready to ‘serve’, and has to go to ‘camp’ for a round of ‘synth injections’. A month later, he eventually develops all the symptoms of pregnancy, including achy nipples and piles, then after 9 months, goes through labour and gives birth to his NYSC Certificate. If you haven’t had an NYSC synth baby, you can never get a real job.
It’s 2145 and all Nigerians are Feminists so in order to get a visa to go abroad, you have to list (with references and photographic evidence) 10 women you have worshipped in the way they deserve. There are a few women who sell fake “worship” packages for a decent price, but mostly guys find they have too many examples and take pride in picking only the most rapturous of worship experiences. One man once received lifelong unrestricted access to the USA for being able to cite 400 examples of female worship, including giving his wife nightly pedicures with his teeth.
It’s 2145 and all Nigerians are feminists so all churches have to give 5% of their yearly income to female-centric charities, except the money is generally spent on National Get A New Weave Day because women don’t need any help anymore- there is no more sexual harassment or assault, domestic abuse, female poverty, FGM, child marriage etc. If you don’t want to get a New Weave you can get a free deep conditioning instead.
It’s 2145 and all Nigerians are feminists so all Nigerian women have synchronised periods and by Federal Law “no person shall be made to work”* during the requisite 3-5 days a month. During that time, it’s customary to greet people with “happy bleeding” and gift your neighbours with decorative tampons and boxes of chocolates.
*No women have to work. Men still have to do all the domestic chores and care for the children and generally keep things running but that’s not really work and men aren’t really people, so it’s fine.
It’s 2145 and all Nigerians are feminists so Chimamanda Adichie is now the most popular name for boys and girls in the country, regardless of tribe. People now have to use physical descriptors to tell people apart like “Chimamanda Fair or Chimamanda Dark or Chimamanda Long Legs?”
It’s 2145 and all Nigerians are feminists so all men now wear dresses and skirts but only mini dresses and mini skirts because Nigerian men have really nice legs, generally, which are a real pleasure to look at. Nigerian women wear whatever the hell they want.
It’s 2145 and all Nigerians are feminists so traditional marriages now involve The Pounding of The Yam- a momentous final test in which the groom has to pound enough yam to feed every member of the bride’s family. Some activists are trying to get it outlawed as being unfair and barbaric, after tales of grooms passing out or causing serious harm to themselves by pounding yam for 200 people in one day. Whenever these activists are given a public platform, everyone agrees that it’s pretty hard on the grooms, and quite stressful, but in private no-one can even fathom getting married to a man who can’t pound yam. “Ah, when I married my wife, I had to pound yam for 4 days!” is a common boast and fathers start teaching their sons to pound yam as soon as they can walk. “No one will say you don’t have any home training!”
It’s 2145 and all Nigerians are feminists so men don’t feel fulfilled until their wives have birthed daughters. When however their wives birth sons, they’re a bit sad, and blame themselves, because they realise that the sex of a baby is their fault because science. They eventually get over it though and learn to love their sons in deep and profound ways, expressing this by imparting that most sacred aspect of Nigerian masculine knowledge- how to make a perfect pot of jollof rice.
It’s 2145 and all Nigerians are feminists so men have to have written permission from every woman they are related to and/or have ever spoken to for more than 10 minutes before they can learn how to drive. Once they pass the test, they have to get another round of written permission slips before they can buy a car, and even then it’s encouraged that all men have a woman in the car when they drive at night. It’s not the law, exactly, but if you’re a man driving alone at night, the police may stop you and stress you out by asking “Which woman bought you this car? Don’t you know it’s not good for a man to be driving alone at night? Where are you even going to? Does your mother or your wife know where you are?”
It’s 2145 and all Nigerians are feminists so when a young girl reading a vintage magazine comes across the word ‘rape’ and asks her mum what it means her mum says “I don’t know o! Ah! You and all your ancient words.” The young girl goes and asks her history teacher who sits her down and begins with “You’ve heard of dinosaurs, abi? So you understand that they used to exist but don’t anymore? Well, rape is a bit like that…” and the girl leaves the conversation feeling chilled and heavy with the knowledge of humanity’s early sins but deeply grateful she was born in a time of enlightenment. She celebrates her good fortune by getting her older brother to make her a perfect plate of jollof rice.