Off With Their Heads!, Uncommon Nonsense
Comments 3

Things Runners Say and All the Things Non-Runners Really Want To Say In Return

Runner: The first 20 minutes is the hardest.

Non-Runner: Oh? And after that it’s just ice-cream on a hot day, is it? Just jingle bells and wrapping paper, right? Just napping on a beach and hamburgers, right? Right.

Runner: Running is my me-time. I can get away from everything and just think.

Non-Runner: Why can’t you do that alone in your room? Also, do you do every other activity with other people? Do you take a poo with other people? Why can’t pooing be your me-time?

Runner: Nothing beats that runner’s high.

Non-Runner: I don’t know, I imagine heroin gives it a run for its money. Haha. Did you see what I did there? It was a pun. A running pun. A runpun. Wow, did your endorphins also steal away your sense of humor.

Runner: My hamstrings feel a little tight because I went for a PB on my 10k route this morning.

Non-Runner: I know what all those words mean individually, and I can guess at what they mean put together, but honestly I don’t care enough to try.

Runner: Fartlek has increased my speed dramatically! I love it.

Non-Runner: Is Fartlek something you can get at Ikea? Why is your speed important? Are you an Olympian? Are you an ancient hunter-gather trying to get home with your felled elk before the dinosaurs come out to feed?

Runner: This would be a great song to run to!

Non-Runner: This would be a great song to listen to while sitting down, alternatively dance to while very drunk, is what you mean.

Runner: Hill runs are the best for building endurance!

Non-Runner: Sex endurance? Oh wow, maybe I should-No? Oh. You mean endurance, as in running in a non-life threatening scenario for longer than you did last time? Is that a thing that people care about?

Runner: I love running to work. It just starts my day off right.

Non-Runner: That’s so interesting but have you heard of coffee?

Runner: I need to fuel my body for my run later.

Non-Runner: Are you a car.

Runner: I’ve done 11 half marathons, 4 full marathons, working up to 10 marathons in 10 days next month, and a couple of triathalons later in the year.

Non-Runner: Why? I mean, for real, for real, why? No one is paying you right? Why? Seriously. No, I mean, like, seriously, why?

Runner: I have to run in natural fibers, they wick away my sweat better.

Non-Runner: …….What.runners

Runner: Yeah, I hit the wall this morning. Just couldn’t push past it.
Non-Runner: Surely the wall is your MODERN, EVOLVED BODY’S way of telling you that attempting to recreate the living conditions of your primeval ancestors by running a bajillion miles every morning is INSANELY STUPID AND HARMFUL but what do I know.

Runner: I can’t come to your party-so sorry-but that’s my long run day.
Non-Runner: I hate you most of the time, and actually only invited you out of a combination of pity and social obligation, but when you say things like that, it takes my natural, manageable hate levels to homicidal levels.

Runner: Can you please help me get X from upstairs/the fridge? My legs just aren’t working cuz I did my long run this morning.
Non-Runner: You somehow managed to run 15km this morning, yeah? Oh 25k? Okay. You ran 25k this morning…then you can bloody well walk the 20meters to the fridge.

Runner: I just find running makes me so happy and serene.
Non-Runner: The word you’re looking for is smug and condescending. Running makes you so smug and condescending.

3 Comments

  1. Humzeey says

    You nailed it.

    My brother once said to me :”So, You just dress up, leave your house and start walking/running, when no one is chasing you. I think this is how madness begins”

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Lol. I must admit I’ve always envied those runners in their fancy neon gear and water bottles. They look like gazelles, so elegant. When I try to run, I look like I’m being chased and then I collapse after 100m.

    Like

  3. My next post on running will be about all the things I think about when I run- I say “all” it’s really just “why in God’s holy name am I doing this please let me die please please”

    Like

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