I’m an innocent, God-fearing woman. I pray regularly, and give a fair amount of money to charity. I don’t bitch about people who don’t deserve it, I am very nice to all non-demonic animals (so, excluding cats, snakes, rodents and cows) and I always help old people carry their stuff. What I’m trying to say is I do not deserve to be put through the unnecessary and inappropriate visual stimulation offered by the sweaty hot men at my gym.
Who do they think they are anyway? Strutting around with their biceps and quadriceps and..and..forceps or whatever, grunting and glistening. Right in my face like I’m supposed to just ignore it. Like I’m supposed to just sit there and take it. Obviously, it’s an invitation. You don’t come to a gym looking like that and exercising like that and not expect something- I know the rules of this game.
I’m just supposed to concentrate on getting my ab workout done, am I, when you’re doing your 99th pull up behind me and I can see every single one of your perfectly biteable back muscles doing the macarena in the mirror? Yeah right, Inducer of Sin. Just say you want me and be done with it.
And don’t ask me if I need your goddamned help with the dumbbells- we both know you’re asking if I want to ride your enormous shoulders like donkey and I am a Christian woman who knows that Satan is a liar.
Do I need your help figuring out the treadmill? No I do not, please go away from me with your fragrant manliness while I pretend this stationary exercise machine is the Path of Righteousness, thank you. My hope is built on nothing less than Jesus Christ and Righteousness.
As I want to make heaven, I have made a list of rules for Hot Men at the Gym to keep us holy ladies from being corrupted and made slaves to diabolical womb-lust. I am starting a group of like-minded, morally concious women tentatively called the Anti-Hot Men Ladies Auxiliary (AHMLA) to enforce these rules, using large sticks, buckets of cold, dirty water and day-old fish guts as appropriate.
THE AHMLA RULES
1. All Hot Men must apply extremely high performance antiperspirant deodorant to their entire bodies, literally crown to toe, to ensure absolutely no sweat of any sort can linger on defined muscles and thereby make them look like Spartans.
2. If anyone can see your calf muscles or the outside of your perfect arse, you are indecent and an affront to family values. This means no shorts, no tight leggings. Full pyjama trousers/ninja pants only.
3. Men can only work their biceps in a small, enclosed room with only other straight men for company.
4. All workouts must be done in complete silence. Every grunt is a sexual trigger and the gym is not the place for that.
5. No squats allowed.
6. No pull-ups allowed unless completing even one is a real struggle for you. If are good enough at pull-ups to make them look easy, you are not allowed to do any in public and probably don’t even need to anyway.
7. Only men accompanied by all the women in their families (mum, grandma, spinster Auntie Kemi, newborn nieces etc) are allowed to wear tank tops exposing the upper arm and chest area. Otherwise, see above re ninja outfits.
8. Do you have visible abs? You are not allowed to even be here. You are unclean and the physical incarnation of hell born lust. Go and live in a brothel and/or pray.
9. Generally, if you’re a hot man, remember that your hotness is a precious and private thing and is the sole property of your current/future wife. Every time you expose it to women who are not your wives, you are defecating on the glory of holiness. If you are a hot man and are unsure about what to wear to the gym, cover your entire self in black cloth and shame, avoid all eye-contact with women to whom you are not related and keep your thrice-be-damned testosterone under control.
I will be sending the above to my local gym because I’m a Christian and I care about my soul, and the souls of other Christian women. If you feel the same, kindly apply to join AHMLA. We need all the help we can get.
* AHMLA accepts ladies of all religions; our only real criteria is a visceral fear of being overwhelmed by lust for Hot Men and an unreasonable desire to place the responsibility for your own sexual desires in the hands of someone else.
**If you would like to start your own local chapter of AHMLA, please write to us to obtain placards, wooden sticks, local fishermen willing to donate fish guts, smelling salts, and other useful tools.