Month: April 2015

FOR THE LOVE OF LABELS: The Chloe Drew

… if the Chloe Drew were a person, she’d be the girl you met at university whose beauty struck you immediately as indisputable but effortless. You’d have tried to hate her, because she scared you a little bit with her deceptively simple style and instant popularity, but eventually you realised that she was lovely, and steady, and true and you’d be silly to pass up on the chance to get to know her better. Eventually, you took the plunge and walked up to her and said hello; she smiled at you,  gave you half the cupcake she’d been having for lunch and said ‘Share the calories, share the love eh?’ with a twinkle in her eye and a rueful shrug. You’d known then and there that you’d never have to be formal or polite or considerate with her feelings- she’d let you be you, inspire you to be better, but she’d never ever stress you out. After a while, you two would become inseparable. She’d encourage you to disdain makeup on the weekends, but teach …

The Anti-Hot Men Ladies Auxiliary

I’m an innocent, God-fearing woman. I pray regularly, and give a fair amount of money to charity. I don’t bitch about people who don’t deserve it, I am very nice to all non-demonic animals (so, excluding cats, snakes, rodents and cows) and I always help old people carry their stuff. What I’m trying to say is I do not deserve to be put through the unnecessary and inappropriate visual stimulation offered by the sweaty hot men at my gym. Who do they think they are anyway? Strutting around with their biceps and quadriceps and..and..forceps or whatever, grunting and glistening. Right in my face like I’m supposed to just ignore it. Like I’m supposed to just sit there and take it. Obviously, it’s an invitation. You don’t come to a gym looking like that and exercising like that and not expect something- I know the rules of this game. I’m just supposed to concentrate on getting my ab workout done, am I,  when you’re doing your 99th pull up behind me and I can see every …

The Club of Adult, The Chill Soundtrack, No Second Troy

Driving to work is a favourite part of my day. It shouldn’t be; I always pick the slowest moving line through the toll gate, I have bad depth perception so I always think a gaping pothole is a shallow rut and that mistake had me splashing a poor bystander with water made brown by Lagos. I yelled “Sorry!” but I know he didn’t hear me over my music and air conditioning, through my wound-up glass window. Inevitably, another driver does something silly that pushes me from calm contemplation to vulgur verbosity in far too short a time to be admirable. But still. There’s something purposeful and reassuringly normal about sliding into your car in crisp work clothes, joining the morass of other worker bees, thinking about what’s to come, and how to maximise it, judging your car against all the others and making plans. Driving to work is one of the mundanities that marks one’s membership of the Club of Adult. I generally have one set, themed, playlist of 10 or so songs per week. …

A Breath Held For You

A Breath Held, For You. I lost him before I had him. Before he was mine. I watched him float away; someone else’s coloured balloon drifting off into someone else’s bright blue sky. I should have reached out for him, during. Or afterwards. I didn’t. I tried to breathe him in, hold him inside me where he wouldn’t be able to fade. But he slipped past me. Like sly grey smoke, curling around my face Then dancing away with the first, necessary, exhalation.

Don’t Expose Your Laps!

Nigerians who wish to join the Nigerian workforce are forced to give over a year of their lives to the service of their country by way of a state-mandated slavery  integration program known as the National Youth Service Corps (NYSC). I did mine last year at a government agency. I  did very little real work, which would have been less soul destroying if I hadn’t been required to be present all the time. But I was, and I spent hour after hour staring at the walls and slowly losing my mind. My supervisor felt strongly that  his primary purpose was  to critique my wardrobe choices and try to get me to attend the daily office prayer meeting. When I appealed to him to give me something (anything God please literally anything) to do, I was told that simply by sitting in an office environment, I was learning things. He was right, I learned LOTS of things. And I made a list. Contrary to everything you have been taught, the flat area created by the front …

How to plan a wedding in Nigeria: Your 10 Step Guide

HOW TO PLAN A WEDDING IN NIGERIA IN 10 SIMPLE STEPS! 1. Aso-ebi ….i.e. the material that all your friends, family, haters, hangers on, domestic staff and bitter exes will wear to your wedding is absolutely crucial. It has be lux but not gaudy, stylish but flattering on every body type, and interesting without offending the older generation. The point of aso-ebi is to get a good buzz going about your wedding, so you have to make sure you really nail it. Stay away from boring standards like velvet, ankara or sequins. Instead, branch into something that everyone is familiar with but no one has ever thought to use (or ever will again) by spray painting reams of old newspaper. Once done, fold your couture creations together and place in cute raffia bags. Sell to all your friends as aso-ebi and you will be sure to read all about it on BBM status updates and Instagram hashtags for days to come. 2. Catering Everyone knows that a wedding without good food is no wedding at …