Year: 2015

The Friday Fun: 12 December 2015

Memories are terribly fragile things, so vulnerable to nuance and circumstance, perspective and context. Perhaps that first kiss, the one that you hold up against the light as the Gold Standard of kisses was, to your kissing partner, no more than meh. Perhaps that awful first day at school, that still has you waking up in cold sweats, the one where you forgot your own name and spilled ketchup all over your crisp white shirt, exists in no-one’s mind but your own. Perhaps all we do, and will ever do, will only  be one side of a story that no one will remember to tell. Perhaps. But so what. Go out there and try anyway. Kiss that boy, or girl, anyway. Introduce yourself to that stranger, anyway. Dance to that song, anyway. Because even if it’s all a glorious waste of time, even if it’s all ashes in the wind, even if certainty is nothing more than a fancy word, I’d rather having fun trying that give up in despair. It’s the weekend, rose petals, …

The Friday Fun: 4 December 2015

This is it guys. The beginning of the end (of the year). The slow march towards death (of 2015). The gentle decline, the persistent ache of goodbye, the deep still knowledge that all that was, shall no longer be (in terms of dates). The glittering spectacle that is Christmas is all that stands between us and 2016….and I am, frankly, vibrating with excitement. In December, every day is a present. In December, every morning is one sunrise closer to Christmas. In December, all sins are forgiven and all old loves are made new. In December, every day is a winding road and we get a little bit closer to feeling fine. So, mistletoe-twiners, today’s edition of the Friday Fun is extra special, because this is the first Friday of the first weekend in December so here’s a whole host of things to help you get into it. 1. This mega oldie but utter classic, because I alluded to it in the intro and because Sheryl Crow is, and ever shall be, because some of you …

The Friday Fun: 27 November 2015

The thing is, time is finite. You’re never going to have enough of it and you’ll only realise how utterly important it is and how much of it you wasted when it’s too late to do much about it. Does that however mean you should let it all go, waste opportunities and moments, miss your cue? Of course not. Make the best of what you have, carpe it all, be selfish and ruthless in your quest to make as many glorious memories as possible. This is my word to you, this Friday evening. Take it and be blessed. It’s the weekend, tap dancers, and here are a few things to help you get into it. 1. This illegal photo of Naomi Campbell I stole from the legitimately great Instagram account of stylist extraordinaire, June Ambrose. How is Naomi still even allowed to look like that? Who authorised this? 2. This quote from my weekend read, Neil Gaiman’s Trigger Warning because it’s terrifying and true- “the universe is amply supplied with night”– to remind you to …

The Friday Fun: 20 November 2015

I would never be so bold as to tell you what to love, but these things- a shared smile, a perfectly flipped omelette, the first restful night between newly laid bedsheets, the sated stillness after a bout of raucous laughter, the mumbled ‘hey’ from a sleep-warmed lover, the first hiss-crack of good alcohol being poured on ice cubes -are all good things, things you should like and cultivate as often as possible, but particularly when the twin terrors of weekdays and work hours abate. It’s the weekend, glow growers, and here are some other good things help you get into it. This song, Sorry, by Justin Beiber who has grown up so it’s totally okay to like his music- I checked with all the relevant authorities and you’re good, I promise. This tune is a banger and impossible to listen to without dancing. Here he is doing it live, chill-style, with the Roots. 2. This ridiculously perfect quote on commitment by Anne Morris:   The irony of commitment is that it’s deeply liberating — in …

The Friday Fun: November 13th 2015

We are very sorry to have been away from you, our dear hearts, for so long but our feelings of sorry are being completely overwhelmed by our feelings of woohoo because we are, as you can see, BACK. We are here, and so are you, and most importantly, SO IS THE WEEKEND.  Here are a few things to help you get into it. 1.This vine of the bizarrely and inexplicably delightful Corduroy Cat. Why is it made from corduroy? Don’t worry about it. What even is that song playing in the background? Scientists are certain it’s good for you, so the details are irrelevant. All you need to know is that this cat is happy, and watching it will make you happy, let’s all be happy like this cat. https://vine.co/v/eLIZBOAQTYI/embed/postcardhttps://platform.vine.co/static/scripts/embed.js 2. These two amazing but deeply unsettling short stories (it’s Friday the 13th!) which are perfect reading material for Sunday morning alternatively that odd, empty hour on Saturday afternoon during which you know you ought to be doing something fun and cool but you’ve got …

Two Exes Run Into Each Other At The Gym

“Oh my God, hi!” “Goodness, you startled me.” “Gosh, hi! Hi. So nice to see you. You look great.” “Hang on, let me just- yeah, sorry, I’ll call you back-Hi.” “Sorry, were you on the phone?” “It’s fine. I’ll call back.” “It’s been ages though- such a long time.” “Sure, sure.’’ “Three years, three and a half actually at the end of this month.’’ “Three and a half years at the end of this month?’’ “Or something like that.’’ “Okay.” “I heard, I mean, you’re married right? That’s crazy!’’ “Is it?” “No kids yet though, right? That would be insane!’’ “Two, actually.’’ “That’s hilarious!’’ “What?’’ “Oh, you’re serious?’’ “I have two children.’’ “Oh, that’s great, that’s so great. But two?! That’s a lot…’’ “Two isn’t that many…’’ “And, they’re both, I mean you guys all live here?’’ “In Lagos? Yeah we do.’’ “I mean, you all live, like, do you live with your husband?’’ “….yes. Me, and my children and my husband. We all live together, like a normal family. Listen, I-” “That’s great. I’m …

How To Be A Person: A Non-Exhaustive List of How To Not Be That Person.

“Now, you did good today, I’m just saying that there’s a way to be a person.” – Leo McGarry, The West Wing S1E22 1. No one ever wants to hear about your dreams. 2. Only gossip about people you genuinely do not like for real reasons. So, don’t gossip about nice people you are simply jealous of because you will eventually feel like shit. But actual dicks are fair game. Have at them. 3. Tip, always. 4. Use your inside voice, no matter how cross you are. Find within yourself a terrifyingly stern voice of medium volume and employ it at will. Consider also incorporating the whispered horror of Hannibal Lecter. This will always be scarier and more effective than shouting. 5. Drive like someone you loved very much died in a car accident. It may seem morbid, but it’s a lot of people’s actual truth, and every time you suddenly change lanes without indicating, or speed like an idiot, they are looking at you and wishing you had died instead. You don’t need that …

During rainstorms

Crying in a bed that isn’t yours is like leaving your grief in the arms of a complete stranger. The sheets do not recognize your smell or the tightness of your grip and the pillows mistake your tears for dripping sweat. They have not yet learned the pace of your brokenness or that the conveyor belt of your heart is worn Your sighs sound restful at first Your shakes start out gentle and then grow into something that feels like a volcano at the brink of an eruption. Your sobs are fighting this war pushing back against your will to stay silent, rebelling. You are rubbing your chest in a soft circular motion the same way your mother rubbed your back through every rainstorm when you were young You are running out of air Holding your head like your neck is on its knees Whispering words that sound a lot like begging Like you want to survive this but you aren’t sure Like you might make it through but not for long Like you have given so much, for …

Ab Routines, Almost-Dates and After.

I’m back in the gym. It’s hell, of course, because I hadn’t been for months before I went away and post-illness weakness is a real thing. But every day I run a little further than I ran before, and die a little less during my ab routine, so there’s hope that in about 6 months people will stop laughing at me. I go with my cousin, usually, who’s irritatingly fit and good natured. I cannot understand being cheerful in a gym. What is there to be happy about?! Every day I have to endure his reckless happiness and exhortations, his effortlessly endless reps, his kindness. That’s the worst bit. I think I’d do better with someone who called me out on my weak inefficiency, who pinched my flab and insulted me. I feel like that’s the kind of attitude that builds warriors. But he just ambles over after doing 100 pull-ups or whatever, and gently corrects my form, then says “well done!” after I’ve managed one push-up. I hate him so much. But being back in …